Crack Man cometh!

So, our toilet broke.  This isn’t the first toilet we’ve had that’s broken, but this one broke in just about every way a toilet can break.  The handle broke.  No prob, because we attached a nice red cable tie to the flushy thing.  I use the term “flushy thing” because toilets no longer use ballcocks and the like.  It’s a float valve or some such.  Whatever.  The toilet also began to leak a good deal of water from underneath….or behind….somewhere.  It was quite a lot of water actually.

Things always break when you don’t have the money to fix them.  We have another bathroom, we could let it go except for the fact that David’s mother lives with us and she can’t keep walking up the stairs to get to the bathroom.  So, I call the plumber.

With the garage needing painting and the front porch trim needing painting and Katie’s room needing painting….I had to sit my butt around waiting for the plumber to show up.  He finally did…at 4:30.  A day wasted.  But it would be worth it if the toilet got fixed.

So, in walks the plumber.  While he’s still standing, he sports a solid four inches of butt crack.  I snicker and look away, continue to explain to him about the toilet as I lead him to the offending room.  He bends down.  I peak in to indicate exactly where the water is pooling and….BAM!  There’s pure unadulterated redneck ass staring me in the face.  Not a little of it.  A lot.  His draws (as they say here) have slipped all the way to his thighs.  I choke back my lunch and turn away.

Crack Man says there’s no problem.  He’ll git that wax seal put ri’ in dere.  Really, Crack Man?  Really?  The toilet is OLD.  Like I told Lude Lady on the phone (so named because she apparently downs a handful of Qualudes for lunch and thus talks about as fast as a snail under general anesthesia) the toilet needs replacing.

Crack Man stands up and shrugs.  “When will the toilet be here?” he asks.  “Soon as you git ‘er off’n da truck,” I tell him.  I’m fluent in redneck.  I can’t look the guy in the face.  He looks like he’s in the road company from Deliverance.  He proceeds to tell me that the office didn’t tell him he would be replacing the toilet, just the wax seal.  Of course they did.  Otherwise, how could I be expected to waste an entire day for no good reason.

Well, Crack Man will be back on Monday.  As a quick fix, dude shut off the toilet so it wouldn’t leak anymore.  *snork*  I turned it back on because, leak or not, Granny HAS to pee.

On an up note, my security system is fixed.  I can’t tell you how because I was sworn to secrecy, but it is fixed and it doesn’t beep me awake at 5:30 in the morning anymore.

I’ll let you know how Crack Man works out on Monday.  Anybody got any anti-crack glasses?  Perhaps a pair that have those pixelated portions like they use on TV when they don’t want you to see something?  Help me.  Please.

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One Response to “Crack Man cometh!”

  1. Denise Says:

    I do believe I just peed myself, laughing. It’s a good thing my toilet doesn’t need a-fixin’. :p

    Perhaps if you answer the door, on Monday, in bright rainbow suspenders, it would send some sort of subconscious message to Crack Man? If all else fails, a dark pair of sunglasses – the kind that leave you groping at walls indoors – will do the trick… Temporary blindness…

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