Charlie and the Shrink Ray Factory

Why are they shrinking our food? Have you noticed? Pizzas are now 2 inches less in diameter than they were 10 years ago. How do I know? I have a pizza pan from 1965. Frozen pizzas used to come right up to the edge on it. Now, there’s a good 1 inch to spare all the way around.

It’s not just pizzas. Bacon now comes in 12 ounce packages. You can still get it in a pound package, but you’ll pay a lot more and you have to really search the cooler for it. Then there’s the pies. Pies. Nothing’s more American than apple pie. You might be able to get a real grown-up pie from a bakery. But those yummy Mrs. Smith’s and other frozen pies are 3/4 of an inch less in diameter and a good 1/8 of an inch shorter.

And now we move on to the most heinous downsizing of all: cookies. You remember when you were a kid…those packages of oreos and ChipsaHoy cookies had three stacks in them. And the cookies were 3″ in diameter. Go measure your cookies and get back to me. I think you’ll be shocked.

Now, I wouldn’t really have a big bitch about this. I can hear some of you out there shrugging and wondering why I don’t just eat more cookies. Well, all packaging is smaller. And that means that all those marvelous recipes that used to be clipped off the containers and stuck in your mama’s recipe file are OFF. A can of condensed milk isn’t the same as it was 50 years ago.

I have a recipe for pie that calls for a crust, one tub of cool whip, and one large hershey’s chocolate bar. Well, the crust is do-able but there are now a ton of sized of cool whip and the largest Hershey bar isn’t the same size it was. So, it took me multiple tries and many, many failures to make the pie.

And don’t even get me started on rice-a-roni. I have a chicken casserole that’s been the rave of every gathering I’ve served it at. It calls for 2 boxes of wild rice. But a box is now 3 ounces smaller than it was 9 years ago when that recipe was written.

Food dudes, come on! If you’re gonna shrink our food, at least have the common decency to hand out a measurement converter with it. If you want to put that left over shrink ray to good use, go to the nearest beach and point it at some of those fat tourists wearing nothing but butt floss. Give us a break. Not all of us are fat and in need of smaller portions. And we don’t want to simply quit cooking certain things just because you decide to shrink the food.


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One Response to “Charlie and the Shrink Ray Factory”

  1. Mary Says:

    this is too funny–we were just talking about this last night!

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